In a sunny grassland, beneath a lone tree, a figure sat cross-legged. He wore simple white robes and had dirty blonde hair and pointy ears. His gaze was transfixed on the shade of the tree that was cast by the light, and was lost in deep thought.
He was approached by a being surrounded by light, who took the form of a beautiful woman.
“Oh… I am sorry to disturb your meditation,” she spoke.
“It’s quite alright, Nayru. I expected your arrival. Is it time?” he replied.
“Are you sure you want to go through with this? You don’t seem so certain.”
“What Lady Palutena warned us about, threats from other worlds… it concerns me. One protector may not be enough for this land. But...”
“You are afraid of something…”
“Yes… of myself.”
“I don’t understand.”
“With all due respect, goddess, I am called the Fierce Deity for a reason. I exist only to purge this world of its evils. I am a tool of destruction for the forces of light. Perhaps having more is not what is best for this world.”
“All these things you say are not true! I have seen nothing but benevolence from you! Was it not you who not only saved the people of Termina, but insisted that the Hero be given the power to travel time so that he could perform acts of kindness and bring happiness to everyone in the land?”
“Because I could not entrust even an infinitesimal fragment of my essence and power to someone who could not prove himself to be pure of heart. You have only seen me in my current state, but in the presence of evil, I am overwhelmed with ravenous hatred and ferocity, my heart becomes that of a black hole that devours everything, even the light, until the presence is vanquished. I have learned to control it with time, but I fear that the others that come after me may be overcome by this.”
He stood, then walked past her and magically produced a massive spiral sword with two blades that twisted in the shape of a double helix, one black and one white, and prepared himself for the spell that would split his essence.
“However…” He continued. “I can feel him coming. A demon with terrible power that can tear worlds asunder. I would rather take that chance than allow our realm to face certain destruction. I know it is not my place, but I have one request. Divine Goddess of Love, I ask you to ensure that they do not become worse than the demons they face, that they do not become consumed by hatred. Be it the warmth of friendship and family, or the touch of a significant other, yours alone is the power that can quell the ferocity in their hearts. Please, this is all I ask of you…”
“You are concerned for nothing,” she smiled. “You are the kindest being I know other than Hylia herself.”
“When I graced the mortal plane with my presence, the humans were terrified of me. Though they did not see me, but they could feel my wrath petrify them with fear. They called it the coming of a demon even worse than Majora.”
“I’m sorry they said that about you.”
“Oh, don’t be,” he said, smirking, raising the sword to the sky, then thrusting it into the ground.
“They were right...”
A beam of light formed from the blade, which split off into four directions. A crack of thunder punctuated the final words spoken by the Fierce Deity.
Chapter 6: A Hero’s True Journey Begins
Lightning poured down into Ultraguy’s blade, and he swung it down onto DBZ, who caught the handle with his hands. He felt the energy pouring into him, and he began to change…
Feeling the power coursing through his body, he became larger in stature, his clothing became dark armor that was lined with a thin blue pattern, strange markings appeared on his face, and his eyes radiated an eerie glow.
“I remember now…” he said withdrawing his sword, which was now in the shape of Ultraguy’s, but matching his color instead.
“Wait, so you've always had that sword?” Kirby Kid interjected. “What about the one Show gave you?”
“It was a metaphor,” Showzilla replied, shrugging.
“Okay, it all makes sense now. No it doesn't… can someone explain to the rest of us what's going on?”
“What, was that up there not enough? Do we have to spell everything out? Well, so much for subtlety…” Ultraguy sighed.
He continued: “The Fierce Deity was the divine protector of my world. He was tremendously powerful, and possessed the powers of both light and darkness. When he discovered other worlds and that their inhabitants had become aware of ours, he split himself into four, using similar magic that the Four Sword does. After the split, we were attacked by one of the beings from another dimension. For the longest time I thought I was the only one who survived, but then I found him. He and I may be the only Fierce Deities left.”
“Alright, that's enough exposition! I'm ready to go WHOOP SOME ASS!” The newly returned Fierce Deity shouted.
Ultraguy produced an Ocarina and played a tune that warped the two to the kingdom of Hyrule. The newly transformed hero gasped in horror as he witnessed the landscape erupting in a blazing flame, the dragon Volvagia laying waste to everything in sight.
“Oh no… we're already too late! We-”
Ultraguy simply shrugged this off as a minor inconvenience, and smote the dragon effortlessly with a single sword beam, then played the Song of Storms to summon a short gust of wind and rain to douse the flames, followed by the Song of Healing to undo all the destruction.
Nearby, a figure sat on a hill eating pork sandwiches. He was large in stature, decked out in battle armor, and had a red, flowing mane.
He stopped mid-bite, “Hey, who turned off the fireworks?”
He peered across the landscape and saw two figures he hadn't seen before.
“Not in my town…” he growled, mounting his black Gerudo stallion and racing toward them.
Lightning spontaneously cracked the sky as he arrived, and dramatically announced his presence.
“Who dares trespass in the kingdom of the great King of Evil, the Wizard Theif, I, the great Ga-”
“We know who you are,” the two interrupted simultaneously.
“Well then, if the introductions are out of the way, let's cut to the chase,” he said, dismounting.
Ultra, from beside him heard “You want me to take this one?” as the speaker brandished his weapon.
“Wait, something doesn't seem right,” Ultraguy warned. “We should carefully assess the situation and-”
“RIP AND TEAR! RIP AND TEAR YOUR GUTS!” his comrade shouted furiously as he charged toward the Evil King.
Ganondorf produced a can labeled “Warlock Punch” and chugged it, then crushed it in his hand. He punished his would-be attacker with his fist, sending him rocketing out of sight.
His opponent’s eyes widened with shock from what he just witnessed, the Gerudo exploited this element of surprise by producing two massive black blades and advancing towards him. Ultraguy struggled to defend against the sheer weight behind each of his strikes. He caught Ultra with an unexpected flying kick coated in purple flames, pushing him back.
Ultraguy regained his footing, then released an energy beam from his sword. Upon impact, it released an explosion that flashed with a blinding light. Left behind after the dust settled was an enormous crater, revealing the figure of a smirking Ganondorf, completely unharmed.
“Im-impossible…” Ultra marveled.
The other arrived back into the fray, regrouping next to Ultraguy. “How did he get this strong? Could it be the power of fabulous hair?”
“Hmm hmm hmm....” the wizard thief chuckled. “Do you wish to know my secret?”
He snapped his fingers, and a crowd of his minions formed around him.
“You see, after awakening in this new age, I saw it fit to ‘get with the times’, as the kids say. I came across this little hobby of yours, and guessed that if I could find a way to control how powerful these ‘VS debates’ could make me, I could become unstoppable!
...But yes, my hair is fabulous, thanks for noticing.”
“You can't live in this world of lies forever!” Ultraguy shouted. “Eventually the truth will catch up with you and those you brainwashed!”
“Brainwashed? I never laid a finger on these people. I give them the truth that they choose to accept. Humans are simply that easy to manipulate. All you need…”
He magically summoned a book, and continued, “is the Word of God.”
“The Hyrule Historia… of course! That's how he got everyone to wank him!”
“Oh… didn't think he was like that. Well, we shouldn't think any differently of him…” his ally interjected.
“Not that kind of wanking!” he scolded.
“So… are you going to admit defeat and bow before your king, or foolishly oppose me? Oh, who am I kidding, we already know the answer. And to think, you would have made such wonderful servants! We would make Hyrule gre-”
“Don't you fucking dare,” Ultra’s comrade interrupted.
“Hmph. Have it your way,” Ganon raised his hand, summoning a bolt of lightning. He formed it into a ball and cast it at the two who stood in his way. The Deity formerly known as DBZ bounced it back with a sword strike, and Ganon swiped it back with his cape.
“Oh, these are always fun!” he exclaimed, casually smacking back the ball of energy every time the other reflected it. “Hey, kid. You a fan of ACDC?”
Ganondorf punched the ball of lightning back faster than before, causing it to strike his opponent.
“You've been… Thunderstruck.”
Ultra rushed to his aide and looked up at Ganon.
“Our attacks aren't having any effect on him…”
“Triforcemachines, son! Don't you know that only the Master Sword can kill me?”
“But our swords are like, a billion times more powerful!” he contested.
“But they're not the Master Sword!”
“That's a bunch of crap!”
“I know…” he grinned evilly. “But just try telling that to them.”
Ultra threw down a pile of weapons he was somehow carrying with him, and his companion wondered where he had been keeping them all.
“These are all examples of weapons other than the Master Sword that were able to damage you. We have the Megaton Hammer, Biggoron Sword, and also the White Sword and Silver Arrows from the first game, none of the weapons I mentioned have any evil-killing magical properties or light-based magic.”
“Hmm, but I see Light Arrows in that pile, which do. And everyone knows that having just one bad example in a series of arguments instantly invalidates everything you just said.”
“No it doesn't!” Ultra protested.
“Hmm… you're right. I suppose something should be done about the rest. Minions! Fetch me a rug and a broom!”
His minions carried out his order, and Ganon gestured to them. They began sweeping all of the weapons under the rug.
“There. All gone”
“But we know that they're still there…”
“But you can't see them.”
“But they're still there”
“But you can't see them!”
“It's no use…” Ultra sighed, and fell to his knees. “We surrender.”
“What? You've gotta be kidding! We're just going to-”
“Just follow my lead,” Ultraguy whispered. “We can't beat him head-on. We just have to get our hands on that book somehow.”
“Well, well… it's about time that one of you stubborn heroes finally grew some sense. Or have you simply lost hope? Well, that's what happens when gods abandon their worlds. Loyal followers, take them to the Cabal.”
The two were handcuffed and taken to a secret lair of some kind. Ganon stepped up to a retinal scanner to gain access to a hidden room, and the walls opened up, revealing a large meeting hall, where various villains and adversaries were seated at a table, and at the end sat none other than Victor Von Doom.
“Ganondorf…” he spoke. “This meeting hall does not exist for you to brazenly dump your prisoners. That is why we have a basement.”
“I have brought them here for you to witness with your own eyes that I should be leader! Do you see now that my power is unmatched? As you can see Victor, I have easily defeated two GODS!”
“‘God’ is just a title,” Doom replied, speaking softly and not changing tone since the last time he spoke. “It's power that matters. If you knew the cosmic entities I have bested, you would see that this is nothing impressive to me. Now, cease your prattle and childish fantasies of surpassing me, and take your drivel elsewhere.”
Ganondorf balled his fists and swallowed his anger, then attempted to step out, but was stopped.
“Aren't you forgetting something?”
The faint, tinny echo of Doom’s voice resonated in the Evil King’s head, and he turned around and met his eyes.
“Do not forget… your newfound power is fabricated. I, however, need no misconstrued information to become powerful, I simply am.”
He continued to stare at Ganon, who could tell from his piercing gaze that he would make his punishment in the Sacred Realm seem like child's play with a mere thought if he did not obey.
“You know what to do…”
Ganondorf reluctantly kneeled, with gritted teeth and his face twitching with humiliation.
“Good boy. You are dismissed. You may return when your attitude is up to more...desirable standards.”
The minions took the two Fierce Deities downstairs and chained them to the wall.
“Can't we easily break out of these?” Ultra’s ally asked.
“Yeah,” he replied, “but we have to wait for him to come down here and monolog to us first, then we break out of them. It's like, the rules or something.”
Meanwhile, at the Legion of Doom! (It’s a pun!)
“It appears Shang Tsung is not showing…” Doom impatiently drummed his fingers on the table.
“It does seem we are missing some of our compatriots,” Loki remarked. “Where is that giant turtle brute?”
“Bowser is in another castle!” Joker interjected.
“Really…?” Deathstroke exasperated.
“Hey, aren’t you supposed to be a woman?” Thanos asked from across the table.
“I beg your pardon…?”
“Yes, I recall that Jane Foster became the new Thor and you were a woman too, to appeal to more politically correct audiences and take a stand against the patriarchy… or something.”
“As a god, I may take as many forms as I wish, including female forms, but that sounds to me like menial special snowflake trite.”
“That’s because it is. Didn’t sell well, it turns out.”
“What an unexpected turn of events…” Loki remarked sarcastically.
“At least they didn’t make you into a giant fart cloud,” Galactus boomed from above.
“At least they didn’t make you the cave troll from Lord of the Rings,” Doomsday protested.
“At least they didn’t replace you with a whiney, entitled edgy teen who can’t even build a proper lightsaber…” Darth Vader chimed in.
“At least they didn’t make you some young wannabe upstart with a modern gangster fetish. Kids these days,” Joker chuckled.
“Oh please, you all have nothing to complain about,” Deathstroke added.
“Oh that’s right, didn’t you get your tushie trounced by the Bat-brat? Haha, big bad Slade jobbered by Dork Knight Junior! Now that’s funny!”
“Oh yes… how embarrassing. Definitely my lowest point. No other experience was more haunting than that. Nothing at all…” he said as he tightly gripped the table and started rocking back and forth, and began to chant something, as if entranced. “Tee tee tee… T-t-tee tee tee…”
Doom looked toward him with disgust.
“I was recently represented by an adolescent blogger who’s the second to bring shame upon my name, and Fox childishly clings onto my royalties like a young boy greedily snatching a toy from someone it clearly belongs to, meaning I’m deprived of my rightful place in Infinity War and will likely never be portrayed properly in cinema anytime soon, whereas you were voiced by Ron Pearlman. Your argument is invalid.”
Bison finally arrived with Fang following closely behind.
“Oh, you have a Zant too?” Ganon remarked.
Suddenly, The wall burst open by cannon fire.
“Who dares!?” Doom stood abruptly.
“Captian Shad Morgen, of the Berserk!” an outsider shouted from the nearby shores. “Aye… we finally be off that bloody boat.”
“They are after the Hyrule Historia! Ganondorf, this is your mess. Clean it up!”
Ganon quickly rushed through the newly formed hole, and shouted to his minions to take action.
“Lord Ganondorf!” one shouted back, running up to him with a bucket of cherries. “Will this suffice?”
“I suppose this will do for now. But when he fires back at us, continue cherry-picking!”
Over at the Berserk, Captain Shad pointed directly at Ganon’s minions. “Release...the logic bombs.”
Morgen’s crew loaded up the ship’s canons with the special ammunition and fired away.
The Warlock summoned a wall in the path of their trajectory. The wall was shaken up by the logic bombs, but stood resilient, and the bombs upon detonation resounded with refutations against the wank.
“Nobody scales to Majora except Fierce Deity Link!”
“Zelda has no combat feats outside Hyrule Warriors and Smash!”
“Faron calc is bullshit!”
“Link didn’t flip a planet!”
“Omnipotent Triforce is hyperbole!”
“What’s that?” Ganon yelled back. “I can’t hear you behind my stonewalling!”
One of Shad’s crew let out an exasperated sigh, and another looked over at the shore saying, “There be a political joke here…”
“No,” another replied. “We’re better than that.”
Back in the holding cell, moments later…
The Captain kicked down the wall, revealing the Hyrule Historia in hand.
“You got the book!” shouted Ultraguy
“‘Course I did, looting is a pirate’s specialty. Now, to free the wenches!”
“Wenches? There’s girls in here with us?”
“And you didn’t notice? What are ya, gay?”
He freed all of the voluptuous females and left the two on the wall.
“Well lads, time to make me exit.”
“You’re just going to leave us here and have all the women to yourself? You’re an asshole!”
“I’m a pirate.”
“Do we chase after him?”
“No, Ganon’s power will start to weaken the further the Hyrule Historia is from him. We have to keep it away from him and his minions,” Ultra claimed, and the two of them broke free from the chains.
The two stepped out onto the beach, which was riddled with explosions from the Berserk and Ganon’s magic. They fended off the would-be attackers, allowing Shad to make his escape.
“Aye, ye yellow-bellied landlubbers! Ye might need these!” He said, tossing them a couple of rolled up pages from the book.
Suddenly, a sphere of energy struck them from behind, knocking them both down.
The Gerudo king, now standing behind them, gestured his men to confiscate the two pages.
One of his loyalists unfurled the pages.
“‘With a single swing of the sword, the goddess Hylia rent the earth.’ Interesting… That should apply to me since I have survived strikes from the Master Sword. Gotta love that planet level consistency,” Ganondorf read aloud.
“That makes sense!” his follower agreed.
“But it just says ‘earth’ in lower case… all you’ve really proven is that you can survive something that can move rocks and dirt around.”
“That also makes sense!”
“You can’t agree with both,” Ultraguy replied.
“Okay, fair enough!”
“You’re just agreeing with whatever was the last thing somebody said…”
“Okay, if you say so!”
“Can you...not make decisions on your own?”
He stared wide-eyed, staring at the two deities, then looking back to Ganon and back to them.
“Don’t worry… let your master do the thinking for you,” Ganondorf patted his head, sending him off to bury a razor labeled ‘Occam’.
“I’ll handle this.”
He whipped out both of his blades, preparing to wipe out the two obstacles in his way.
“It’s over, Ganon,” Not-DBZ said, “It’s the FINAL COUNTDOWN for you!”
“... I said… It’s the FINAL COUNTDOWN for you!” He paused and looked around. “Why isn’t the music playing?”
“It got copyright flagged on Youtube,” Ultra replied.
Ganondorf raised his sword and summoned a bolt of lightning from the sky, then swinging it, released a wave of electricity toward the two heroes. They braced themselves and resisted the onslaught.
They continue to to fend him off, but begin to falter. The two look behind to see that the ship has not gained much distance between them, and Ganon’s followers have already began swimming toward the Berserk, attempting to board it and steal back the Hyrule Historia. The blue-clad warrior heads toward the ship, leaving Ultraguy to hold the front.
He leaps through the air, and delivers a flying punch to the hull of the Berserk, sending it careening off to the horizon.
“I’ts working!” Ultraguy shouted. “I can feel his powers beginning to weaken!”
In an act of desperation, Ganondorf frustratingly thrusts his swords into the ground and shapeshifts into Dark Beast Ganon, and attempts to ram the two. They thrust their hands forward, grabbing his tusks and straining against the force behind him. Their feet drag along the wet sand as he pushes him back. At last, with a final burst of strength the two flip the beast and slam him on his side.
“Now’s my chance..” said Ultra, ready to finish this fight.
As the light faded from Ultraguy’s final Falcon Punch, Ganondorf was weakened, and reverted back to his previous state. He picked his two swords back up, shaking with fury. He then stopped abruptly to think rationally for a second, and began realizing what exactly he was up against.
Catching his breath, he dropped the two swords. There was not a sound other than the wind and the rushing waves crashing against the shore, and not a word needed to be spoken.
“Wow…” one of Ganondorf’s loyalists whispered to another. “They beat him, I guess there was some truth to what they were saying after all.”
“But once they leave, we’re gonna dig more shit up and bump the Zelda verse up to star level, right?”
Walking back home, the two heros began contemplating the ramifications of their victory. They looked back at their defeated adversary.
“He’ll be back,” said Ultra.
“I don’t understand, why is it that so many were willing to stand by him? Why was it that it was so difficult to convince these people?”
“Well you see, everyone has a different way of doing things. Some take author statements as absolute, literal truth, others don’t believe their word at all and only go by the source material. Some use power scaling, some think it’s the Devil. Some even go as far as judging the characters from a conceptual and philosophical level. There’s nothing inherently wrong with people having different opinions and going about things differently, but the problem is that all of them think that their way is the indisputable right way. They’re all too reluctant to listen to anyone who doesn’t conform to their ideals. Yes, there are sources that are more accurate and reliable than others, but that doesn’t mean you should take their every word as gospel. Heck, even the OBD still has a ton of outdated pages and makes mistakes. Overall, don’t fall prey to the hive minds and just use common sense to judge things by your own merit.”
He shifted his gaze back to his comrade, “Unless you believe Saitama can one-shot fiction. In that case, just shut up and get off the internet. Hey, what should I call you anyway?”
He thought back, remembering what Showzilla told him some time ago, about fighting for the truth. “I like the sound of ‘Hero’. Maybe… Hero’s Shade.”
“Isn’t that what the Hero of Time called himself when he was ghost or something? Sure, just take his name. That’s original.”
“Oh, like yours is so much better Mister Ultraguy. I bet it took you a long time to come up with that one.”
“Well, whatever. It’s your totes original fanfic self-insert, so do what you want I guess. That reminds me, now I know what to call my character in Sonic Forces.”
Dusting himself off and shaking the bitter taste of defeat, the Evil King caught a glimpse of something odd in the distance as night began to fall.
A large castle erupted from the ground, and a swarm of bats began flying towards it.
“Now this ought to be interesting..”
To be continued...
Welcome back, everyone! Woo, it sure has been quite a while, hasn't it?
First, I just want to get it out of the way that this in no way is meant to be insulting towards any website, entity, or person in particular. Just the whole idea of Zelda in vs itself, it just so happens that I may have alluded to some things I've seen, and Ultraguy is in no way involved in anything that may have occurred regarding this, I just wanted him to tie into the first chapter of the volume in some way. My concern is that everyone has fun, I wouldn't want anyone to be offended by this or feel that this is a personal attack. It's just all in good fun.
I would also like to congratulate g1 Grand Blazer in being selected as a member of my team of co-writers, so be sure to give him kudos! Thanks again for agreeing to help, GB!
Now, I would like to warn you all that still have no idea when the next chapter is going to be up, and I may very well go on hiatus again after this. I deeply apologize for that, but I have this thing called real life that makes it difficult to consistently put out new chapters. This is what you guys wanted, so I decided no to keep you guys waiting. And now... to keep you guys waiting.
G1 Master Race!
Created and written by Hero’s Shade
Co-written by G1’s Kirby Kid, Grand Blazer and others who wish to remain anonymous
Starring… the G1 Community!
Original thumbnail art by ThorGundersen1058