Jun. 22, 2:05 AM, 2012
Marie Supporters’ Outpost
Amidst the bloodshed that looked like a scene from Amityville, Ultra somberly put his hand to the obtuse and contrived nano-communications device located in his ear. The air was silent, and the once life-filled room was now riddled with the fresh corpses of internet weirdos. Their mission was complete.
“This is Squad 7 to HQ, the threat has been neutralized. Prep the helicarrier for evac at the pre-planned landing zone. Hey Lousy, you want to get some steak when we get back?”
“Hell yeah!”
But before they could head out, an ominous voice came from out of the shadows.
“I’m afraid there will be no steak for you two…”
Without warning all members of the League of Naoto Supporters fired off their weapons, and their target was the Chie Defense Force. Ultra and Lousy’s men were dead, and they were now outgunned, cornered, and forced to raise their hands to the air. From the twisted jungle appeared a glorious, wiry brown beard. The kind of beard that Jesus would be jealous of. And attached to that wonderful beard was a humble man dressed in the same uniform as Ultra and Lousy’s new captors. Both of their jaws dropped with surprise from this man’s appearance. It was Max of Few Trades.
“Hey guys! How’s it going?”
Ultra was the first to respond. “Max! You’re with the Naoto supporters!? What’s going on here!?”
“Do you want the short version, or the convoluted conspiracy version?”
Lousy took no time to answer. “Conspiracy version please. I really like those.”
“Well, I’m sorry to say, but the Chie Defense Force, and you two in particular, have shit-talked the League of Naoto Supporters one times too many times. What we’re doing here is tying up some loose ends on behalf of the League of Naoto Supporters before Persona 5 is released.”
“So this entire mission was-“
“Faked? Yep. Those supposed Marie supporters were just poor schmucks used as bait who were willing to sacrifice themselves for the glory of Best Girl Naoto.”
Using his not-so-keen detective chin scratching Lousy finally understood the trap that Ultra and he had fallen into.
“It all makes sense now! Nobody has taste shitty enough to think Marie is Best Girl! But wait, we had a deal! The Chie Defense Force and League of Naoto Supporters had formed an alliance!”
Because Max is always polite, even when he’s about to shoot somebody over waifu disputes, he faced Ultra and gave a genuine smile.
“And that agreement is still intact, but… Well, it’s nothing personal guys, but we don’t feel comfortable knowingly working with someone who told us to go fuck ourselves.”
“Ah-ha! What did I tell you, Ultra?”
“Also, we found Lousy’s collection of journals containing the words, ‘Naoto Supporters must die’ written in all caps and red ink. So we’re pretty sure it’s in our interest to off him too.”
“… I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Well, maybe some led will jog your memory.”
The guns were on them, the safeties were off, and it seemed as though Ultra and Lousy were to become the final casualties of the 2nd Great Waifu War. Until…
“Wait just a backstabbing minute!”
Everyone’s attention was turned to Lousy. He was smiling, as if confident the predicament he was in would not be his last. He presented to his captors the contrived communication device he was using just moments ago.
“While Max was monologuing I was secretly calling in back up. If you leave now you may find time to escape. If you don’t, a tactical airstrike is sure to take us all out.”
As Lousy said this a gleaming artillery shell came rocketing from the sky, nearly hitting a member of the League of Naoto Supporters.
“It looks like they’re already on the way.”
But the League of Naoto supporters would not falter. They stood their ground, ever ready for the hailstorm of steel and led that awaited them. However, this storm would not be faced unprepared. From the corner of Ultra’s eye he caught the Naoto Supporters bringing out equipment he knew would make an airstrike seem like raindrops falling upon the sword of Rebellion.
“… Oh shit. Lousy! They’re going to be able to survive the airstrike!”
“How can you be sure of that?”
“Because they have tactical anime body pillows!”
It was true. Equipped on each Naoto Supporter was an anime body pillow, specially designed with defense in mind. Each thread was composed of a new-age carbon nano-fiber, created using a special nano-tubing method, and coated in nano-machines for good measure. With these special new-age body pillows equipped, and their Phalanx formation ready, the Legion of Naoto supporters were prepared for the oncoming destruction. Ultra and Lousy were not. In fact, not only did they still have guns focused on them, an airstrike designed to scare their enemies away was now coming in full force, and was going to harm only them. It would appear the plan created by a guy named ‘Lousy Tactician’ did not go so well.
“Well, I’m out of ideas. Do you have any Ultra, or should I finish writing my final will?”
“Don’t sign those death papers just yet. We’re going to be riding explosions away from this tactical airstrike.”
“Ultra, that’s the stupidest statement I’ve ever hear-“
Before Lousy could finish his thought a grenade slowly fell from Ultra’s person, and rolled toward the Phalanx formation. The Naoto supporters braced themselves thinking this to be a final desperate ploy. But it wasn’t. It was the ticket the last 2 members of Squad 7 needed to escape their predicament. Grabbing Lousy by his trench coat, which fashion-wise broke Chie Defense Force protocol though nobody seemed to care, Ultra readied his custom-made riot-shield. He quickly ran to the grenade in order to plant the shield on top of it. Though everyday thinking and ‘common sense’ would consider this a bad idea, in the face of death via enemy waifu-obsessed combatants and a tactical airstrike, it was anything but. The grenade blast propelled the 2 Chie Defense Force members skyward, rocketing towards the unknown abyss housed within the island’s jungle. If anyone is wondering, yes, it looked just like that one stupid moment from the Zelda cartoon.
Though successful in escaping their once inevitable doom, the landing from this shield-riding blast was less than pleasant. Had one landed at the wrong angle they might have even shouted ‘My leg!’ They weren’t fully out of the woods yet either (both literally and figuratively). As the 2 soldiers rose, the rotating blades of the helicarrier they had called moments ago could be heard off in the distance. Ultra was the first to speak.
“We made it out, but we still need to get to the chopper-er-I mean landing zone!”
The jungle was thick, but the helicarrier’s helicarrying (that’s definitely a word) remained true. Ultra and Lousy continued running through the wilderness, eventually coming to the mountainous peak upon which the helicarrier continued to helicarry. Their mission was complete, but at a cost that could only be conveyed in a hellish, fantastically directed anti-war film. Both Lousy and Ultra made an expression so somber you’d think they were from Gears of War.
“Ultra… Our squad.”
“I know. They fought the good fight. We need to tell somebody about this!”
“Pff, and tell them a sub-section of the Naoto Supporters went against orders, and posed as Marie supporters in an attempt to kill 2 unimportant Chie Supporters and the rest of their squad? Who would believe us? We’ve been at peace for too long. There are probably a bunch of alt-right nut-jobs formulating conspiracy theories about this mission as we speak, completely destroying any and all possibility of an open discussion about the possibility of a cover-up. It’s best we just say they died in action, and maintain the façade of peace between the Chie Defense Force and Legion of Naoto Supporters.”
“But… Our squad. Those poor, faceless soldiers who received no character development beyond being obsessive Chie supporters.”
“I feel you. Truly, Waifu Wars are hell…”
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Heheh... I bet you thought the waifu war was over, didn't ya? Weren't you paying attention to the Jojo meme? It said "To be continued"!
Memes aside, welcome back everybody! I'm really excited to put this up and for you to be able to read this one, I had just read it yesterday and already it's one of my favorites. And I hope you enjoyed it too! I owe it all to my incredibly talented co-writers.
Man, I'm going to have to step up my game if I want to top this one. Oh yeah, speaking of that, you didn't forget about the main plot, did you? See you all next week!
Credits
Created by Hero’s Shade
Co-written by G1’s Kirby Kid and others who wish to remain anonymous
Starring… the G1 Community!
Cover art by ThorGunderson1058
And the reader… YOU!
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